Twelve Months

Today was another wellbaby appointment so I saved the monthly update until I had doctor stats.

Weight: 22 lb. 8 oz. 75th percentile
Height: 30.75 inches. I knew I'd been measuring wrong. 95th percentile

We knew she was tall, but I guess I didn't realize just how tall she really was. Her weight is getting closer to being in proportion with her height. I'm just glad that, apparently, I'm feeding her enough.

Everything else at the appointment went fine. Immunizations went about as well as could be expected. She waited until the first shot was almost done before she started to cry. I didn't cry until the third shot. But, having experienced both pneumonia and whooping cough for myself, I would rather watch her get shots than deal with those diseases. After they were all done I comforted her for just a minute and decided she may as well cry in the car as the doctors office and we left. She was a champ and stopped crying before we left the clinic. Good girl. Although that didn't stop her from glaring at the poor nurse who stuck her.

Words include: hi, mama, dada, baby, bye, and pretty. "Dah!" is her universal term for everything from "dog" to "fridge".
Teeth: eight
Walking: Walking? How about running. She's getting ever closer to that. Climbing is another favorite activity that has recently started in earnest. Eliana can also pull herself up to standing now, rather than crawling to something else and using that to stand.

She understands the words she speaks, as well as: arms up, wave, clap, sit, go get it, and more. That means both "other things she understands" and "more".

Eliana loves to explore and see new things. She gets a little upset when I block off a cabinet I don't want her in, but I'm confident she'll forgive me one day.

Current Stats

Actually, the stats on Ellie are now close to two weeks old. I planned on writing them down soon after the doctor appointment, but that didn't happen. Here's the quick run-down:

Weight: 16 lb. 4 oz. (about 50th percentile)
Height: 27.5 inches (about 95th percentile)
Head circumference: 42.5 cm (I think that's what it was but I'd have to look it up. Anyway, it's also about the 50th percentile)

So, she's still a tall girl, but everything else is about average. She got her shots and will now have a reprieve for another six months. I hate watching her get shots. The pattern of scream, hold breath, scream louder is sad to watch. A different nurse than usual was the one to administer the shots and she had a hard time with it. I was holding Ellie's hands to comfort/keep her busy while the nurse did her dirty work. Once she got poked the first time she started kicking up a storm. I don't blame her. Anyway, the nurse had difficulty getting her the second shot and commented on what a strong little girl she is. That's an understatement.

Four Months

Eliana turned four months old on the 4th. I meant to take pictures and post about it then, but I figured I would wait until I had new height/weight stuff from the doctor. Then I forgot. I did, however, take pictures the day after she turned four months and I posted them below. For most of them she is in our borrowed Bumbo chair. She loves to lean forward in it and suck on the side. She also has fun watching the traffic go by while Mommy sews pant hems.

Giving the "whatever" face. You would think she's 13 years older than she really is.

This is her interested face. Sometime I will have to try and capture the one she gets first thing in the morning when she is ready to explore a new day.

She was checking something out here, but I don't remember what.

Eliana's new tricks in the last month include better grasping, extreme drooling, replacement of dark newborn hair with lighter baby hair, keeping her blue eyes, trying to get out of any seat she's in by straining forward or arching her back (where did she learn that?), and using her voice quite a bit. She is a charming little girl and is more and more fun every day.

Ellie has also graduated from the cradle to the crib and that gives us mixed feelings. It's good for her to get used to it, but she doesn't sleep as well at night. She used to sleep through the night occasionally, but doesn't anymore. She wakes up at least twice, but usually three or four times at night. It could be that she isn't swaddled anymore, either. However it works, she doesn't sleep well in the crib between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m. Anytime I put her down in the crib after a late night feeding she waits until I've just laid down and then decides to wake up and cry. Most of the time I'm so tired I just let her stay in the bed with us. I'm trying to get better at making her stay in the crib, because I don't want her to get used to sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's bed.

Here's Mommy and Eliana at work. You can see a few of my mission pictures (and a few of Carrie's) in the background. You can also see that my little girl looks a lot like her daddy. I think her face is mine from the nose down and Eric's above that. Her little bird legs take after her dad, too. She's a slimline baby.

Now for the doctor stats.

Height: 25 inches, which is 88th percentile.

Weight: 13 lbs. 8 oz., which is 55th percentile.

Last time she was 90th percentile for height and 49th for weight. I guess she is proportioning herself a little more. Immunizations were administered and she reacted precisely as I predicted: she screamed and stopped breathing. Poor baby. It's no fun getting poked in the leg three times. At least one of the immunizations is one that she can drink rather than get stabbed with.

To finish off, here is a video of Eliana cuteness. This morning I decided that she should have a bath without the newborn hammock that goes in her baby tub. I figured she was ready for it. Usually during bathtime she just chills in the hammock and will dangle a foot or a hand in the water while we bathe her. This was her first experience being all the way in. It was a lot of fun for her and us, although she is little miss stoneface. I also have to say here to make sure that you never leave your child unattended in the bath. That's not because I did or that anything happened, but just because when she started squirming I saw how quickly she could have had her face in the water if I wasn't watching her like a hawk. It could have happened in the time it would take to turn around and grab a towel or wash cloth that is within arms reach. Just be safe so our cute babies can be safe. Enjoy watching Eliana splash.

Two Months Old

Now that Eliana is two months old she actually has a couple of things she's grown out of, and I don't just mean clothes. She used to make really great faces as she stretched to wake up. Sadly, I have not been about to capture it anywhere but in my memory. But here are a couple of pictures that come as close as possible.

Her supermodel pose.

Performing the one-armed stretch. Usually she gets both going and bends her head back almost far enough to hit her backside. It looks particularly funny when she does it while you are picking her up from wherever she happens to be sleeping.

The two month well baby checkup was on Monday. She is in the 75th percentile for head circumference, is 23 inches long, and weighs 9 lb. 12 oz. That puts her in the 49th percentile for weight and the 90th for height. Everyone knew she was a slender baby and now we know why. Tall and skinny. Maybe there are some genes from her daddy, after all. Actually, Eric has second cousins or something that are close to as tall as he is and slim. That's the girls. One of the boys is 6'9". Yikes.

The blue eyes still don't seem to be going anywhere. I always wanted a child with blue eyes, but didn't figure it would happen because of the decidedly brown-eyes genes that Eric and I pass along. We have also discovered that I am probably not producing enough milk. As my presence was required at the hospital for a couple of days last week, I left Eliana with my in-laws while Eric was playing soldier for the weekend. She was a very happy girl almost the entire time and was pulling cheesy grins when Eric went to get her. She never does that for me. She can actually be kind of grumpy. Then, on Sunday, it hit me like a bolt of lightening while I was trying to feed her. I checked and, sure enough, there was no milk coming out of the feed bags. I filled a bottle with formula from the samples at the hospital (I was out of pumped milk. I had given it to the in-laws to feed her the day before) and she sucked down four ounces in no time flat. And then she grinned at me several times. So, it looks like I'll be supplementing from now on. It makes for a happier baby. On the plus side, now that I am less stressed about my dad I am producing much better and even have a little "mommy milk" saved up for whenever we need a sitter. To finish, here are a few recent pictures of the cutest baby ever.

Watching a movie with Daddy. A little fuzzy, but I thought it was cute.

A shot of her actually looking at the camera. Again, fuzzy. She is always wiggling. And I need a better camera.

This is the closest to a smile I've been able to get a picture of. The real thing is even cuter.

First Checkup

Tuesday we had the first doctor appointment for the baby. I was really excited because I wanted to know how much weight she had gained. Eliana's birth weight was 7 lbs. 8 oz. and her discharge weight (or at least the last weight I was told) was 6 lbs. 14 oz. I figured she had certainly gained her birth weight back, as she spends a heck of a lot of time feeding. She ended up weighing 7 lbs. 4 oz. The doctor said her weight was the only thing he was concerned about. She should weigh more. I've been worried that I'm not making enough milk for her. She sometimes has feedings that last an hour and wants more an hour later. The doctor said she didn't look dehydrated, but that he didn't like her weight. He told me to come in Friday to have her re-weighed.

On Friday I was a little nervous about what the outcome would be. I would rather avoid the cost and hassle of supplementing. We went in to weigh her again and (drum roll, please) she was up to 7 lbs. 10 oz. Six ounces in 3 days. Not bad. The nurse was happy and so were we.

The Second Innuendo

Sadly, there is no new progress to report. I'm still at 1+ cm dilated and a little effaced. Until this little girl decides it's time to drop further into my pelvis there may not be much more progress. That inspired me to push down on her when I had a contraction yesterday, but I don't think it took.

In good news, my blood pressure is getting even better. It was at 134/80 when the nurse took it, so I was stoked. As this particular nurse hasn't seen me since almost the beginning of my pregnancy, she was not as happy about the numbers as I was. I told her about letting me pee-in-a-cup and then take it again. I hoped that would make her feel better. When she took my blood pressure again she said, "Look at that: 122/76. You must just have white coat syndrome."

I was also really happy to see this nurse again, as she was the nurse for my entire pregnancy last time. We are on more friendly and familiar terms than the nurse I usually see. I also appreciate that she let me know the doctor had to make rounds at the hospital and would be a little late, but she would tell me when he arrived. That allowed me to keep my pants on for longer and only put on the giant paper towel right after he got there. I also wore a longer shirt this time. That was more comfortable.

What was not comfortable was the innuendo treatment. I had emptied my bladder when I gave the urine sample, but there was enough time that it had filled up again. I learned my lesson about ignoring the urge to use the toilet because you're sure that as soon as you do the doctor will arrive. The first innuendo was anything but pleasant (although not too bad), but the second was way worse. He had to squish the baby down from the top to feel her head while trying to feel my cervix with the other hand. I'm not used to having my bladder crushed from two directions.

We also found out that I do not have group B strep. One less medication is always a good thing. My next innuendo is on Tuesday and I'm going to ask him to strip my membranes and see if that moves the labor process along. I can hope.

The First Innuendo

This morning I had my first innuendo appointment (innuendo as in where the doctor's fingers go: in-you-end-o) since the initial prenatal visit. As much as I don't relish the idea of my doctor getting to know me so personally, I have to admit I've been looking forward to this appointment.

I made sure to take a very thorough shower this morning in preparation. As usual, we started with the weighing and blood pressuring and peeing in a cup. The difference this time was that they were happy with my blood pressure the first time. It was 138/78 and the nurse smiled and said things were looking better. Then she had me go to the bathroom and do my thing. I got back and she had placed the giant paper towel on the exam table for me to cover my lower half. I stripped down and was pleased that the paper sheet touched in back. However, when you sit down the squishiness in your legs...distributes itself differently. There was a five or six inch crack (get it?) in back where the paper didn't touch anymore. I usually sit in the chair to wait for the doctor to avoid extra swelling in my feet. I opted to sit on the exam table this time.

The doctor came in and said good things about my blood pressure before beginning the regular part of the exam. Apparently everything measured fine and sounded good. It took him less time to find her heartbeat than it has in the past. She's running out of room to hide in there.

Then we had the fun part. It was the week to test for group B Strep. That includes a vaginal and rectal swab, which was even less comfortable than I had imagined. But it's good that they test for it. My aunt had dormant group B Strep and it caused problems after the births of 3 of her 5 children. Not fun. I guess they didn't test for it when she was having kids.

After we finished that joyous experience it was time for me to be checked. That was also more uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Baby likes to sit high up in my belly (usually as far into my ribs as she can get), so the doctor had to press down on my uterus with one hand while pushing up with the other. But we were able to see where I was, so I suppose it was worth it. He told me I had started to efface, but he didn't give me a percentage. He also said I am "one centimeter and a little wiggle room" dilated. I was expecting to hear that everything was still closed up tight, so I was happy to know that there was progress. Maybe she really will come when we want her to.

More Doctor Stuff

My most recent appointment (on July 8th) made me a little nervous before I went. Swelling had not been getting any better and I knew my blood pressure was still too high. I had (and still have) absolutely no desire to go on bed rest.

The nurse took my blood pressure and, as expected, it was in the high 140s. So after I did the ritual pee in the cup I waited for the doctor to come in and tell me bad things. First, however, I asked him if he would retake my blood pressure because the last time we tried that it was significantly improved. He tested my reflexes (I think he did that last time, too, which surprised me both times) and said they looked good. He took my blood pressure again and it had dropped somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 points to be in the 120s. The doctor smiled and said, "I guess we just make you really nervous when you first come in." I wouldn't be surprised if it's just leftover anxiety from having to see my weight. Ugh.

Dr. Carn then had me lay on the table to hear Baby's heartbeat. Her heartbeat is still up high in my belly, but he thinks she has turned head down now. He said it was either that or "she has a very bony bum." If she does, she got it from her father. When we finished with that he helped me sit up and squeezed my feet and ankles to look at the swelling, which is abundant. He then gave me advice on how to keep it down. The first thing he said was to try to keep out of the heat, then rolled his eyes. I'm so glad he understands that it can be difficult to stay out of the heat in the summer. I'm also supposed to elevate my feet, drink lots of fluids, and rest on my left side as often as possible. I already knew those things.

As we ended the appointment I asked him about an episiotomy. I told him I would like to avoid one if possible and asked how to prevent it. I said I had heard and read about massaging the perineum (pronounced, as I found out when he answered me, pair-uh-NEE-um, not per-IN-ee-um like I said). He told me that studies haven't showed it to make a difference. Then he told me about all the factors that go into it with a first baby and why they do it. I, of course, don't remember most of them now. The concern for me was finding out whether or not he just does them routinely. He doesn't, which I appreciate.

My next appointment is in two weeks and that will be the one that starts the pants-dropping. At the next appointment he'll take a vaginal culture to test me for bacteria (Hepatitis B, I think, but I'm too lazy to look in my book to find out for sure). He will also start checking me for dilation and effacement. That's information I want, so it will make the pantlessness easier to bare. I mean bear.

The First Two Week Appointment

Tuesday was my first two week appointment with the doctor. I had been looking forward to it because these new appointments give me more information and mark a new milestone in the pregnancy. I was not, however, excited to drop my pants at every appointment from here on out. To my great surprise, there was no pants-dropping involved. There was also no new information (dilation, effacement, all that good stuff), but that was fine because I didn't think there would be any progress this early.

I did, however, get chastised once again for my blood pressure. I really am trying to keep it down, but I'm out of ideas. Nothing seems to work except deep breathing exercises that I do before they take my blood pressure. I hope that being less busy at work will help keep the blood pressure down, as well. We also finally got our love seat moved out of the house so we can replace it with the recliners. The recliners were in boxes that go in the space where the crib is supposed to go. The crib has the trundle drawer and changing table that have the space to store the baby stuff we have now. Can you see the domino effect here? Anyway, the love seat was just moved out today, so now we can get everything else set up while simultaneously lowering my anxiety level and, therefore, my blood pressure.

Now I just need to keep following the doctor's advice. He told me to come in before my next two week appointment if I experience severe headache, nausea, or swelling. Hopefully none of that happens, but at least I know what to look for and what to do if it happens. Maybe next week I'll have to do the pants-dropping thing. Sigh. By then there might be some dilation or effacement happening. Just as long as she comes on August 8th. :)

Hypertension? What Hypertension?

Today was my 31 week doctor appointment. I didn't expect anything different than has been going on for the last several appointments. Wait for the nurse to call my name. Get weighed. Have blood pressure taken and get told it's too high. Grumble to myself that the doctor is going to put me on bedrest when he sees the numbers. Pee in a cup. Wait for the doctor. Get told my blood pressure is too high. Get measured. Doctor listens to heartbeat (I'm sadly past the point where he uses the doppler to hear it) and tells me it sounds good. Ask any questions. Set up appointment. Go to work. It's all pretty routine.

There were a couple of changes to what happened. After the doctor came in he asked about my blood pressure and I told him it was still too high. The measurement was 160/78. The number on the bottom was fine, but the one on top was too high. He decided he would take the pressure again and I realized that I can't even remember the last time anyone but a nurse took my blood pressure. Anyway, he took it again and this time the reading was 122/80. Completely normal. I've been wondering for the past several weeks if the nurse was just taking it too soon after shuffling me around the scale and the exam room. I guess so.

The other change was in the frequency of visits. I have now graduated to being seen every two weeks. This is both encouraging and unhappy. It is encouraging because it means I am coming closer and closer to my due date. It is unhappy because I know good and well it means I'm going to have to start dropping my pants at each appointment so he can check my cervix. Not my favorite part of a trip to the doctor. However, I really can't complain. I don't have pregnancy induced hypertension, so my risk of being ordered into bedrest just went down significantly. If I can have that I'm much more willing to get a couple of fingers where I don't want them every two weeks.

I have suspected for the lest little bit that the baby has not yet moved into head-down position. The doctor confirmed this, but reminded me that she still has time to turn herself before delivery. Most of the kicks I've been feeling have been lower down and I often feel a hard spot under my ribs on the right side. I think that is her favorite place to rest her head. Hopefully she will turn herself in the next couple of weeks so we don't have to use other interventions. I'd really rather not have it come to a C-section for delivery, but you do what you have to.

Return of the Rubber Tourniquet

Today was another doctor appointment. But it wasn't just any appointment, it was the one with the dreaded glucose screening. Actually, it wasn't that bad. I just hope the results come back well so I don't have to go to the hospital to do a more in-depth test.

I was late to the appointment, but I wasn't too concerned because my doctor is never on time for the first appointment of the morning, either. One of the first things we did was check my blood pressure. The nurse looked at me with crinkled eyebrows and said it was really high. She then told me to do the pee-in-a-cup thing and come back so we could take it again. Was telling me that supposed to make my blood pressure go down? Well, it must have because the pressure went down from 160-something to 142. So it's still high, but now no one is freaking out.

I even did a good job of not freaking out, myself. Last pregnancy I discovered my own unique phobia: I fear the rubber tourniquet. The first time they used it on me to draw blood I started to seize up and hyperventilate and they couldn't get anything. Then they sent me to the hospital so someone else could try and it was all I could do not to break into tears. After it was all over and I couldn't move my arm I did cry. It was pretty pathetic. However, I have since realized the cause of my strange phobia (odd childhood trauma) and conquered it. The nurse didn't know I had a problem except that I asked to be stuck in my right arm rather than the left. Are you proud of me?

Good Update on Bad Morning

I feel sheepish. So last week I had a really bad morning that ended up okay. This morning was my regularly scheduled doctor appointment. I have continued to be concerned about my non-growing uterus that I haven't been able to feel above my navel like I should have. The difference is that today I was concerned rather than panicked. As soon as my doctor came in I started talking about my concerns so that I could have them alleviated. What I expected to hear and what I heard were two very different things.

According to my expectations, the doctor was going to confirm that my uterus wasn't growing and schedule an ultrasound to determine what the problem was. Then he would say that we would monitor whatever needed to be monitored to keep me from going into labor as long as possible. I was prepared to hear that, but I didn't.

After I talked to the doctor he had me lay down on the table to measure me and feel my uterus (from the outside, thankfully). Rather than tell me my uterus had stopped growing he told me it was big and showed me how far above my navel it really was. It was exceedingly relieving and very, very surprising.

Wanna know the problem? It's my divot. It's the band of scrunched-in skin that circles my belly-button. My pants sit at that level and the band on my underwear can't keep from slipping back onto it. Comparing my divot to the Grand Canyon isn't quite accurate. It's more like the Mariana Trench. Or you can think of the waist on a balloon person. The torso and hips are piled onto each other. Anyway, I was able to feel my uterus growing up until it reached the divot. After that I expected it to push my belly button out and it hasn't. It's also more difficult for me to find it up that high through all the chub. So I actually never had any reason to freak out. But now I can be even more grateful that the baby is doing so well, right? I like to think so.

Really, Really, Really Bad Morning

It all started last night. When I got home from work I quickly developed a sore throat and runny nose. Curse our stupid heater! That made for a rotten night of sleep and a bit of a cranky morning. That was probably what set the stage for the rest of my day.

After I got out of bed I continued my usual routine, which includes happily feeling my uterus. Well, I noticed that it hasn't been growing for the past week or so. On top of that, I still haven't felt the baby move aside from the one time at 18 weeks. I am also only a week past where I was when I lost the baby last time. The more I thought about it, the more worried I became. I was unable to concentrate on anything and positive thoughts were beyond my power. It's difficult to describe exactly how I felt to anyone who hasn't felt it before. Everything felt like it had when I knew about the baby the first time. That was not encouraging. I decided I should go in to the doctor rather than wait until my scheduled appointment on Tuesday. Then I remembered it was my doctor's day off. When I dropped my husband off at school I told him I would wait until tomorrow to see the doctor and I went to work.

Once I was at work I called my mom about something unrelated. The conversation then turned to my worries and we decided I needed to go in earlier, even if I needed to see a different doctor. I called them to set up the appointment for two hours later. I had no way of getting in touch with my husband, so I asked my mom to come with me. When I met her I felt bad that I had made her cry. Not that much else could be expected. It was also apparent that I needed to calm down. As soon as you can feel your blood pressure high enough that you can feel your pulse through your entire body at the same time, it's a good idea to try to relax. If that's possible. The MoTab music they had at the store was actually supremely calming and I started to feel a little confidence that things might turn out okay.

At the doctor's office we tried to talk about anything else. Once we finally got into the exam room the nurse took my blood pressure and said that it was high. Ya think? When the doctor came in he asked about my history and was very caring and gentle. Then he had me lay down so he could measure the length of my uterus. When he didn't comment on the measurement, it scared me. Then he pulled out the doppler to find the baby's heartbeat. For excruciating minutes he searched for the heartbeat. He found nothing. Memories flooded back that I wish I didn't have. The doctor said he was going to find the other doppler in the clinic (the one belonging to my regular doctor) to see if he could find the baby's heartbeat with that one. When he left my mom came over to hold my hand and we wept together. All I could think of was that I didn't believe it was in me to go through this again. The doctor came back with the other doppler and tried a second time. It took a little bit of time, but the doctor was able to find the heartbeat. Crying in misery turned to crying for joy. The doctor happily said, "There's nothing wrong with that kid!" and let us listen to the baby's heartbeat until she moved away from the doppler. The doctor talked to me more and said comforting things until we were ready to leave.

Even though the morning turned out fine in the end, I never want to go through that fear again. Ugh. I'm just glad that it all worked out with the baby still healthy and going strong. Mom had to take me out to lunch to give my body time to calm down from the stress it had endured. The whole ordeal left me with a huge amount of gratitude, happiness, and a raging headache from all the crying. Tylenol is my friend.

I have an appointment with my regular doctor in a few days and I look forward to hearing my daughter's heartbeat again. All is well, all is well.

General Goings-On

I've been so busy the past few days that I haven't had time to update all the good things. First off, I had my 18 week appointment on Tuesday and it went really well. We found Baby's heartbeat very quickly and I measured at exactly 18 weeks. My blood pressure was also down, which made me feel a whole lot better. I was really worried about it getting worse and that I would be forced into bedrest way too early. It was actually in the normal range.

Another good thing that happened at the appointment was that I thought I felt the baby fro the first time. Of course I can't be sure that's what it was, but I like to think so. I've heard it feels like fluttering or a gas bubble. I haven't felt any flutters and the only gas bubbles I've felt were actually from gas. This was different. I was sitting on the table and then I felt something on my right side. Rather than flutters or bubbles it felt like something rolled a little bit. It was different than anything I can ever remember feeling, so I hope that's what it really was. We'll see if I feel it again.

Today was good after having the worst dream ever and that it wasn't true when I woke up. Brief synopsis: I was pregnant with twins and 36 weeks along. The doctor was supposed to give my a C-section, but wouldn't come. I took it upon myself to do the C-section on my own with a big serrated bread knife. The babies were much too small and it turned out I was way early. The babies weren't to viability yet, so I had effectively killed them because I misjudged the due date. There was more to it that made it worse, but you get the general idea. I woke up feeling tremendous guilt and dreading having to go through the loss of a baby again. Then I woke up enough to realize that I wasn't pregnant with twins, nor have I been doing anything to endanger the one I have. That nearly made me cry out with joy and relief, but I was awake enough to realize it would wake Eric up. After a dream like that you can only feel better all day long.

On a funnier note, I noticed that I have started to waddle when I walk. That's not supposed to happen yet! The only way I felt better about it was when I realized it only happens when I've been sitting for a while and I have a full bladder. Hopefully it stays that way.

14 Week Dr Appointment

Today's appointment was great. I was a little nervous, as I suspect I will be for a while, but nothing near the shower of tears I was last time. I didn't even cry a little bit. After the compulsory pee-in-the-cup I met with the doctor. He asked how I was feeling and if I thought I was getting bigger. I told him I spend a lot of time trying to feel my uterus and he had me lay down so he could feel it. He found it immediately, which was a relief to me. The only time I had been able to feel it until that very morning was when I had a full bladder. When that was the case It was up around my navel. I knew that was way too big. My fear was that he either wouldn't be able to find it or that he would discover twins. Both options were...undesirable to me. Once he found it I saw that it was in the right place and felt much better. The very best was when he brought out the doppler. As soon as he put it on my tummy we heard the baby's heartbeat. The baby almost immediately ran away, but the doctor found him/her quickly again and we got to listen. I was very very very happy.

A the end of the appointment he told me to talk to the nurse about setting up the appointment for my 20 week ultrasound. I stopped him before he left so I could ask him about my "yeast infection." I had treated it with Monostat a few weeks earlier and had no result. My pap smear showed no yeast, so there never was a yeast infection. What a waste of money and unneccary nastiness. The new treatment includes a 1% hydrocortisone cream mixed with a gentle, unfragranced lotion and applied with a cotton ball. The other options to mix with the cortisone were Crisco or lard. Doesn't that sound like something everyone wants to do?

The appointment for the ultrasound was set up for March 19th. I'm way excited. It will be a great experience. I'm just so happy the appointment went so well.

First Doctor Appointment

At 2:00 this afternoon I had my first doctor appointment of this pregnancy. I have never been so scared to go to the doctor in my life. Up to this point I was fairly happy in my pregnancy limbo. After you see the doctor things have to start getting real. Once they get real, the risk of having to go through losing another baby also becomes real. I also wasn't looking forward to the mandatory breast exam, pelvic exam, and pap smear. The pelvic exam was quite traumatic to me the first time. It was better this go-around, although part of it was much worse. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I spent all day today as a ball of nerves, convinced that the doctor would tell me my uterus was way too small and that the baby had stopped developing. Once I actually got into an exam room I was nearly beside myself with anxiety. The nurse talked to me and told me how happy she was to see me back. She said she'd been thinking a lot about me in the past year and hoped I would be back soon. That made me cry, so she finished doing her tests (blood pressure, etc.) quickly and told me to go pee in the cup. While in the bathroom I got control of myself. Then it was back to the exam room to strip down and put on the bed sheet with the hole for the neck and await the doctor.

He came in and asked if I had any questions, asked how I was feeling, and let me know that he understood my apprehension about being pregnant again. I cried a little more and we started the exams. The breast exam and pap smear were pretty straight-forward. He said my cervix looked pregnant and that made me happy. As he performed the lovely and oh-so-comfortable pelvic exam he told me again that I have a backward tilted uterus. Then my favorite line that you never want to hear, "Forgive me, but I'll have to go in rectally to get a better feel of your uterus." Not fun. At least it wasn't like this video.After that he left so I could put my clothes back on and he could go find his doppler and look to see if I have a yeast infection. He couldn't tell, but the pap smear will let us know. I forgot to ask how they'll get back to me on that.

I didn't expect to hear the heartbeat on this visit and we didn't. I asked him if my uterus was a good size. He said it wasn't any bigger than would be expected and I told him I was more worried about it being too small. I don't remember clearly, but I think he told me it was normal. We talked about options for hearing the baby's heartbeat. He told me I could wait two or three weeks and we could try with the doppler again or he could send me for an ultrasound. I've been praying for that very thing for the last several days. I almost told him I would wait so I could prove to myself I am strong and patient, but why would I pass up an answer to prayer (as well as a chance to see my tadpole)? The nurse set it up and I'll be going in on Thursday to have it done. It may have to be done vaginally, but I don't care at this point. We accidentally set it up for a time when Eric is in class, so we had to reschedule. I wouldn't have him miss this for anything. After our last ultrasound experience we are ready for something positive.

Now I can start to be excited. I've been too scared to really be excited until now. If everything goes well at the ultrasound I'll take that as my cue to be happy and feel okay telling people.