First Doctor Appointment

At 2:00 this afternoon I had my first doctor appointment of this pregnancy. I have never been so scared to go to the doctor in my life. Up to this point I was fairly happy in my pregnancy limbo. After you see the doctor things have to start getting real. Once they get real, the risk of having to go through losing another baby also becomes real. I also wasn't looking forward to the mandatory breast exam, pelvic exam, and pap smear. The pelvic exam was quite traumatic to me the first time. It was better this go-around, although part of it was much worse. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I spent all day today as a ball of nerves, convinced that the doctor would tell me my uterus was way too small and that the baby had stopped developing. Once I actually got into an exam room I was nearly beside myself with anxiety. The nurse talked to me and told me how happy she was to see me back. She said she'd been thinking a lot about me in the past year and hoped I would be back soon. That made me cry, so she finished doing her tests (blood pressure, etc.) quickly and told me to go pee in the cup. While in the bathroom I got control of myself. Then it was back to the exam room to strip down and put on the bed sheet with the hole for the neck and await the doctor.

He came in and asked if I had any questions, asked how I was feeling, and let me know that he understood my apprehension about being pregnant again. I cried a little more and we started the exams. The breast exam and pap smear were pretty straight-forward. He said my cervix looked pregnant and that made me happy. As he performed the lovely and oh-so-comfortable pelvic exam he told me again that I have a backward tilted uterus. Then my favorite line that you never want to hear, "Forgive me, but I'll have to go in rectally to get a better feel of your uterus." Not fun. At least it wasn't like this video.After that he left so I could put my clothes back on and he could go find his doppler and look to see if I have a yeast infection. He couldn't tell, but the pap smear will let us know. I forgot to ask how they'll get back to me on that.

I didn't expect to hear the heartbeat on this visit and we didn't. I asked him if my uterus was a good size. He said it wasn't any bigger than would be expected and I told him I was more worried about it being too small. I don't remember clearly, but I think he told me it was normal. We talked about options for hearing the baby's heartbeat. He told me I could wait two or three weeks and we could try with the doppler again or he could send me for an ultrasound. I've been praying for that very thing for the last several days. I almost told him I would wait so I could prove to myself I am strong and patient, but why would I pass up an answer to prayer (as well as a chance to see my tadpole)? The nurse set it up and I'll be going in on Thursday to have it done. It may have to be done vaginally, but I don't care at this point. We accidentally set it up for a time when Eric is in class, so we had to reschedule. I wouldn't have him miss this for anything. After our last ultrasound experience we are ready for something positive.

Now I can start to be excited. I've been too scared to really be excited until now. If everything goes well at the ultrasound I'll take that as my cue to be happy and feel okay telling people.