Hoping to Get Pregnant

More than anything else, I want to be a mom. I was supposed to have had a baby by now, but life had other plans for me. My first pregnancy started in December of 2006. My last period had started on Nov. 30, giving me a due date of Sept. 8. We had been trying for 2-3 months to get me pregnant, but then decided to stop actively "trying". It was that very month that I became pregnant. We were both so excited for the baby.

As far as we could tell, everything was going beautifully until April. We were anxiously awaiting the ultrasound that would tell us the baby's gender. The day before that was to happen I went in for a routine prenatal appointment. We used the doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat, but there was none. I handled it reasonably well until the doctor insisted that I get an ultrasound set up for that very day, rather than wait until the next day. Then I cried and felt a fear I hadn't known before. I was not able to get in touch with my husband, so I called my mother to take me to the clinic. My husband arrived home just in time and we picked him up. At the clinic it was confirmed that the baby had died about 3 weeks before.

I was admitted into the hospital that night, and proceeded to have the worst night of my life. Between the sadness, nausea, pain, and sleeplessness I was a wreck. I delivered our baby boy at about 10 the next morning. The following months were filled with depression, confusion, and loneliness, but they were also filled with assurances from our Heavenly Father that everything would be all right. There is no bitterness given without sweetness, as well. I know that I will be blessed to be pregnant again and have children, I just don't know when.

The purpose of this blog (I've been so well trained in school that I can't avoid writing a thesis statement of sorts when I begin writing) is to allow me to express feelings that I don't want to share with others...yet. One of the effects of my miscarriage is that I don't want to tell people about my pregnancy as early as I did last time. Last time I told at about 8 weeks. I want to wait until at least 14 weeks with the next pregnancy. If I can wait until 17 weeks, the same time my baby died, it would be even better. However, I am not blessed with the capacity to keep my mouth shut that long. So now I have an anonymous blog where I can share my pregnancy-related thoughts and events without really sharing them.